Dear Matzav Inbox,
I’d like to shed light on an issue quietly but deeply affecting many in our community—particularly older singles—in a place where it should never happen: the workplace.
Being in shidduchim is challenging enough, especially as one gets older. But what makes it even harder is the way people around us talk about it—often casually, often loudly, and often right within earshot of those they’re discussing. In professional settings, where we come to focus on work, it’s deeply inappropriate—and frankly hurtful—for coworkers to have open conversations about “how bad they feel for people still in shidduchim” or to describe someone’s single status as a “nebach.”
I once had a coworker say, while I was sitting right there, “Nebach, I have a friend who’s already 22 and she needs to get engaged!” I wanted to shout, “Just because you got married two years ago, struggled with infertility, and now, baruch Hashem, your tefillos have been answered—does that give you the right to talk like this?!”
These remarks may be intended as expressions of concern, but they come across as condescending, diminishing, and deeply insensitive—especially when said casually and loudly in public or semi-public spaces. What happened to basic consideration? To having a little seichel before opening one’s mouth?
Just because you were zocheh to get married at 19 doesn’t mean everyone around you has had the same journey. Open your minds and hearts and realize that not everyone’s path in shidduchim looks the same. And please, remember this: the same God Who gives you children, parnassah, and daily blessings is the very same God guiding shidduchim. It’s not in your control, and it’s certainly not your place to judge.
What’s often overlooked is that many older singles are thriving. They’re accomplished, thoughtful, and living meaningful, full lives. Yes, many want to get married—but they don’t need to be pitied, analyzed, or made into objects of chesed. They deserve dignity, privacy, and respect.
Speaking about someone’s personal challenges—especially in a professional setting—shows a lack of awareness and sensitivity. It’s often lashon hara dressed up as “concern.” And when it’s done loudly, without regard for who might be listening, it crosses a line no Torah community should tolerate.
Think before you speak. We can all do better. Let’s be mindful of the words we use, especially in public and at work. Let’s stop making someone’s single status a casual conversation topic. And above all, let’s learn the difference between empathy and pity.
I hope and pray these words awaken a little more seichel and sensitivity in our community. Older singles are all around us, and many are listening—even when we think they’re not. Let’s treat them with the same respect and consideration we’d want for ourselves: privacy, dignity, and the acknowledgment that they are whole people—not “unfinished stories.”
May we all be zocheh to greater compassion and understanding.
Name Withheld
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